Do "FaceBook Anonymous" meetings have virtual donuts?

"Hello, my name is (your name here)*, and I am addicted to FaceBook."

Okay, so I'm not really addicted addicted, as in I cannot possibly stop. I could stop, any time I wanted. It's just that these multitudes of names, names of every person in my high school class, names of every person I worked with (oh wait, did I fire that guy?) and the names of every girl I ever had a crush on (hey, just thought of another one!), keep appearing in my head like a giant phone book being constantly flipped open to the various letters and scanned for any names I recognize.

I think at this point I'm just making up names, combining vague recollections of several people into one, and wondering why no one replies to my "Hey, remember me?" request for Friendship. I have found a couple of people I know, or knew, and want to keep our relationship in the past tense. And I have found a few ex-girlfriends that I don't want to bother, I want to let them try to move on with their lives, so I'll simply check their profile and stare at the screen for a few minutes... or so... every day. Twice. An hour. But that's not really "cyber-stalking" or whatever that latest FBI federal injunction paperwork said. Whatever. (just kidding, Stargirl)

Besides, I have other addictions, more real-world addictions, as evident by my ever-expanding pants size. And I have had other computer-related obsessions, so I know they all fade away eventually, and soon I can emerge from the stupor, shower and shave, re-introduce myself to the family, and move on with my life. Age of Empires (I can still hear the music in my head). Scrabbulous. Napster. LibraryThing (Yes, honey, I most certainly DO need every single book in the entire house stacked around my desk, by author, genre, ISBN number, and publication date!). Blogger.

Anyway, when you do get a "be my friend" beg request from me at 2:30 in the morning (I know, I know, you're checking on your stocks and only accidentally accessed your FB account) -- just ignore me.


*are we done with the anonymity, the faux cool or nonsensical user names? I kind of like the 1970's CB radio vibe from all the identity-masking screen names... Roger, RubberDuck34219, over and out!